Does Iron Man Eat Uncle Ben's?

I manage to squeeze in a workout at Bally's before catching the sneak preview of Iron Man at the ArcLight. It's been weeks since I have broken a sweat, excluding the routine, marathon sessions that I hold in the mastabatorium. It's tough working out at Bally's being as germ-phobic as I am. There is the constant fear of staph' or a good ole case of pinkeye lingering from handling the equipment. People are dirty. The Bally's I go to in Hollywood is dirty. Once in a blue moon, a lazy latin subordinate saunters by with a Swiffer pretending to clean. The thought of seeing one of those microscopic shots from a swab of the equipment that they take on those fear-orientated news programs comes to mind, I shudder. I guess ignorance is bliss. Regardless, I break the cherry, hit the treadmill for half an hour, then it's legs, upper body, abs. Done. It feels good. The short term goal is to get lean by Lyman's wedding later this May.

After the workout, I rush to Pavillions to pick up some Filet Mignon, spinach and Roquefort. I don't forget the rice. You have to stock up on rice these days. Didn't you hear about the shortage? I always buy into the hype as I am a sucker. Food has gotten so fucking expensive.

There are always a handful of cute chicks and MILFs at this market, this reminds me of the reason why I am still here...it's because of the sun and the comely girls. Some lady gives me a weird look as I chuckle to myself, I'm listening to an Adam Carolla podcast on my sidekick as I gather. I chuck a bag of Ben's brown rice in my basket and head to the checkout. I run into Ray, my neighbor buddy, as I'm checking out, he's picking up a pack of Wrigley's before heading to Wild Card to get in some rounds. I ask him if he can line up my neck and 'burns with his clippers tomorrow, he nods, "Yeah, no prob', see you later, brah."

Cousin Seth shows up to my pad first, I offer him a Corona and he passes, reminding me of his intestinal problem. Seth has to abstain from the consumption of gluten. He has lost 25 lbs, that is crazy. Alex shows up 15 minutes later, we down a Corona and rally to Iron Man in Seth's Acura. ArcLight Cinemas has to be one of my favorite theaters on record along with the McMenamin's theater pubs scattered all over Portland. ArcLight's had a lot of traffic so the upholstery is kind of beat up, but to this day, it is still fairly clean and modern. You can't beat the assigned seating, the large screens and the decent sound. It is just a well-designed and well-operated place.

We get there; you can cut the nerd-buzz energy with a knife. Both Carr and I instantly break into geek/Comic Book Guy impressions, "Um, this clearly deviates from Fantastic Four #138, this is a totally unworthy embellishment."

We mock the nerds as we head straight to the bar in the ArcLight lobby. The restaurant/bar is packed. I would like to know...who the fuck dines at the ArcLight? Alex is acquainted with the bartender, some guy that apparently worked with Monster Chris when Monster Chris was tending bar there. Dude gets around. Alex orders a Bombay, I slam a clean Makers Mark with a club-sodaback as Seth makes his way to the bar. I rush to the aisle of our theater to catch the trailers as Alex and Seth order munchies. The new Indy movie looks lame, I decide, Carr agrees. They should have made the movie a decade ago, I think to myself, I am convinced the Indiana Jones window has passed. Why is this Shia LeBouf kid getting every blockbuster role handed to him to these days? He is likable in a everyman-geek sort of way, but a movie star? Really? I piss at least three times at ArcLight, once at the halfway point of Iron Man during a part where Pepper replaces Tony Starks' "chest orb". Gweneth Paltrow is sexy in this movie, I never found the allure in her, but she is interesting eye candy in this one, nonetheless. She has a couple of honest, natural exchanges with RDJ and there is chemistry. As expected, RDJ hits a homerun as Starks. It is hard to believe that they were originally considering "Scientology Tom" for the role of Tony Starks. That would have burned me. Kudos to Favreau.

"Oh, Mikey, do you think I even know what the hell they're talkin' about? I don't if they're talking about how hard it is to be adopted or how their daddy can't show 'em affection. All I do, man, is wrinkle my brow and nod my head and somehow I turn out to be a big sweetie. Take this girl, right here, for example..." Young Vince in "Swingers" is classic.


As stated, RDJ is good. Favreau nails the coolness quotient of Iron Man. The design is awesome and the action is flawless, it is as kinetic as Transformers but more intelligible. My only gripe is a couple of cheesy/campy moments that happen and the character of Obadiah Stane. Jeff Bridges/Lebowski is classic but he is just a one-dimensional frenemy, as Obadiah. Otherwise, I'll see this one again, which is an endorsement.

They have the actual Iron Man suit worn by RDJ in the lobby, I snap a couple on my Sidekick. There is a platoon of geeks congregating around the display. Alex asks me if I'm going to beat off to the pics later. I bum an American Spirit off a passerby and light up outside. There is a KROQ tent giving out Iron Man action figures and one-sheets. I make it into the scrum of geeks and manage to make it out with three Iron Man movie posters, occasionally getting hit in the face and nudged along the way by excited comic nerds and kids clamoring for the cool freebies. I give one to Alex, one poster to Seth for "little Nicholas and I set aside the poster in the best condition for myself. It's a pretty cool giveaway.

I'm watching Oprah again, it's the only thing on after 1AM. It's a "Sex In the City" episode on Oprah, a perfect storm of estrogen. Kristen Davis looks pretty damn good for 43, I definitely have a type and she is it...HEY-OH! I wonder if she likes performing fellatio, she doesn't look like the type that does. I hear she has a sex tape that recently got out. Thanks, Intra-web.